How It Went Down: Twitch BHM
BHM Summit, Front Page, and Not Being Built For Shit
Two years ago, I’d have never told you that ‘yea, so I’m going to be on the front page a few times, I’m going to Twitch HQ, I’m getting directly connected to staff, and I’ll be viewed as a beacon of change in content creation spaces, you can count on it!’ Past me and current me have two things in common: really big toothy smiles and not being sure what the hell is going on.
This last week I went to the Twitch BHM Summit and I spent Saturday on the Front Page, so it’s been a wild week, to say the least. I could never imagine that just being vocal about changes, diversity, and minority needs on the platform would have such an impact in the decision process of who should and shouldn’t go. Actually, there’s a part of me that was quietly evil smirking because I’ve had several people who alluded to the idea that I would never get in the good graces of any company because I was too ‘forward and bitchy.’
Yea. Let me know how being passive works out for you. Anyway.
I told everyone I would do my own personal roundup of things, and I’m glad I waited until the weekend because there are a lot of things I observed. Everyone knows I may be vocal, but I do my most work through observing those around me honestly. If I’m quiet, I’m listening. Watching. Taking in the environment, behavior, mannerisms. So, let’s talk about it. There were a lot of highs, some lows, and then…..the barrel bottom for the week.
The Glowup
I can’t stress enough again, that being invited to Twitch HQ AND to the front page for Black History Month….honestly it’s still surreal.
Twitch flew myself and 11 others out for a day of roundtables, discussions, keynotes and more all for Black History Month. San Francisco is a TRIP. I could live there y’all. There’s tons of food options, and the city is always moving. I can walk anywhere. Twitch HQ is DOPE. Then again, I’m biased: any place that will let me work wherever I want in the building (even if that means by the food) and is willing to provide my food all day long so that I can save money I’m gonna support. I got a chance to spend a day on site and personally meet Twitch staff, and then spent my entire Wednesday talking directly with Twitch staff about diversity tactics, safety, moderation, commerce, product development, and growth. They seemed to be invested in earnest (for how much it cost to send each of us out there, I’d hope so-they may have Amazon bucks but that’s still a lot of bucks) on doing better for the platform.
The following Saturday I was on front page raising money for F*ck Cancer while celebrating Black History Month. I took a moment to pay homage to James Baldwin and Marsha P. Johnson, and express that I was likely one of maybe two or three black queer content creators that was showcased. I started with a goal of $500 and ended stream at $1340. Trolls were low, we only banned maybe 5–9 people. Friends raided and contributed. The support overall was just….overwhelming. I cried. A lot. This was all before I logged back in to Twitter and was bombarded with more signal boosts, more notifications, more cheering and pressing on. So I cried some more after that I’m looking forward to the rest of the year. There’s a few other things that are in store that I haven’t even TOUCHED on yet. I mean hell, just today I got a box from Atlus and just last night I got some game keys from Red Hook. At this point, I’m concerned for my own head size: both that it’ll get too large and that I’m unsure if it’s inflating at all. It’s hard to believe that ANY of this is really happening.
Questionable Content
I’m also looking forward to a normal sleeping schedule.
The main feedback that I gave them was that an extra day was needed because honestly? I’m still tired. It’s hard to walk away and say ‘I know for a fact Twitch will act on everything we told them’ because I have no control over it. However it would be awesome if within the next year changes could be seen across the board and if they reached out to more marginalized communities. It also didn’t feel so much like a ‘Black History Summit’ so much as it did a ‘Diversity Summit’ with a focus on black content creators. That isn’t to say I’m not grateful, but its something that was very distinct in the grand scheme of things. The day felt heavy and packed and I’ve been all types of tired from it.
There were a few….minor hiccups that occurred during my front page stream ranging from people I asked to mod NEVER showing up and the one that irks harder: people who agreed to mod during my front page stream and left during the literal front page time slot or were even reported playing video games during the slot. I get its volunteer, but had my stream been anything like Cypher’s with 6000 viewers, many of which had an explicit end goal of coming in with racist usernames, racist slurs out the gate, gross sealioning, and other ‘choice items’, it could’ve and would’ve lead to a disaster. I feel like 2 hours of time isn’t a big ask, but found out later for some it was. After the fact. So, that kind of sucked.
Deflation
The worst of it all, however, was the way other content creators lashed out. I wasn’t expecting that bit at all, honestly.
I kept many of my opinions on how to handle the summit better to myself because one or two women agreed with my takeaways of another day coupled with a day that made us feel appreciated (the second part was proposed and I agreed). Beyond that, I couldn’t really get much of a word in because everything came back to money this, money that. I just opted to remain quiet. While at the summit, it was then brought up that several content creators were….not pleased that they didn’t get invites. I had already been combating imposter syndrome over the course of the day when we were live at the keynote. Everyone would introduce themselves and they just sounded…..important. I didn’t really have a formal title, or rank, or naming convention-I was just ‘PleasantlyTwstd on Twitch’, so by the time I got the courage to ask a question I thought didn’t sound sheepish and like a waste of time, the keynote was being called. So to find out that people were actively making commentary that they were upset they didn’t get invited just left me feeling like maybe I should’ve said ‘no, I’ll have to pass on the trip; please give it to someone with more experience on the platform’-because that’s definitely how the messages came across. I always run into this issue where when it comes to talking about and/or eradicating diversity issues, I’m the loner because I don’t particularly need some mondo paycheck to ‘prove’ I’m valued (I personally find value in other things but that’s for a later post, I like money too don’t get me wrong), but I also feel like the conversation around diversity is for everyone actively involved. I wasn’t aware that I had to be X tall or Y years of ‘involved’ before I could have a voice in the space, or that my voice wasn’t “real” until I see every time that I speak as a chance to put my hand out for a paycheck. That was big energy I was feeling.
While I was on front page, I had a blast. I can’t stress that enough. I played Darkest Dungeon, we celebrated a late anniversary of the Wine Cellar, we raised money for cancer research and prevention. So to then find out later that streamers were on their own channels literally complaining that I was on the front page was something surreal. I had people sending me highlights and clips of other streamers just….dragging my name through the mud. I only had one real irritating asshole come through, which was a guy who put me on trial for ‘how I felt’ about my Front Page stream being listed as part of Black History Month and not my own thing. I politely said I didn’t mind, because these are still my two hours on my channel to do what I please and talk about what I please, plus I’m raising money for F*ck Cancer. I’m a small community, so having 4,000 viewers for even twenty minutes isn’t exactly an expectation I have, and I got a lot of channel growth out of it. This person then proceeded to interrogate me for another few minutes about why I wasn’t mad, why I thought two hours was ok and not longer (something I never said WAS OK and had no control over), why I shouldn’t be OK with the BHM label (because since he didn’t like it, I wasn’t supposed to) .The first part made me hurt and sad, but this part just made me angry. I didn’t make the call to be selected for the summit or the fucking front page. I was chosen by Twitch staff. They inquired. I agreed. In both cases.
I’m catching fucking heat for just existing.
Sorry that Twitch staff noticed that I give a flying fuck about the platform I stream on, I guess.
The Follow Through
The bad shit aside:
I’m ecstatic about the events of this last week. The amount of confidence it gave me is something I’ll cherish for a lifetime. The last two years have demonstrated that I can do whatever I want, so long as I put my back into it. I’m thriving in a space where I can be myself, be vocal, an educator, a learner, an influencer, and provide a safety net to so many marginalized people who need a place to call ‘home’ on Twitch. I’m extremely disheartened by the entitled rhetoric I was exposed to over the course of the week though. I’m not going to be so crass as to call it ‘haters’ as I think that just fans the flames and distills a much larger issue. But it is pretty damning to get confirmation that people view you as a nobody, and that if you get something they think they 100% deserve, they have no issue reminding everyone that you’re a nobody, that you’ll always be a nobody, and that you getting anything good for you in any form is just proof that ‘you’re envious and jealous of my success.’ Or even worse: that I should remain a nobody until you deem it ok for me to “move up.” I’m booking my schedule(s) for nothing because ‘she’ll (being me) never be on my level.’
Sweetheart, my schedule doesn’t even have any open slots to afford ‘envy’ or ‘jealousy’ or whatever nonsense is being subscribed to.
I’m literally that damn busy.
Not just from Twitch items, but freelance, job applications, being staff for two teams, and then running my own community. I’ve got C2E2 coming up as well and I work a whole 40 hour/week job (which means its more like 50ish).
I wish we could get to a spot where, when it comes to conversations around diversity and inclusion, and making those spaces better, that we wanted everyone who gets that chance to take it a step further to be successful. As we’ve said many times over in the Black community specifically, this stuff should be ‘for the culture.’ When I agreed to the BHM Summit, it wasn’t because in my mind I went ‘alright cool, can’t wait to hand out some business cards and get some exposure (although meeting and greeting with people was definitely a plus)’, I went because it gave me a chance to put a voice to the concerns that many of us have expressed behind closed doors time and again: concerns about troll names, possibilities of IP bans. Better filters to keep out names. Better modding tools. Better resources and How-To materials. More reasonable monetization options. How we use/handle monetization. I went because I wanted every black queer content creator either now or who is coming after me, big or small, to have a better experience than what we currently do have. I walked in to front page a nervous train wreck and disaster because I wasn’t ready to have 6,000 viewers and be bombarded with “jokes” about looking like a monkey or a baboon, about how black people deserve to be shot by cops, about how affirmative action is bullshit. I was ready for trolls to spin every word I said into a whataboutism or a chance to call me a ‘reverse racist’.
That’s the agony I’m accustomed to preparing for.
I plan on preparation for trolls and bigots because that’s the climate I deal with on the daily. I don’t always ‘muscle through.’
I don’t want to have to add to those plans ‘prep for black people who think they’re more deserving than/worth more than you are just because.’
This was a great chance to lift each other up in solidarity and celebrate that while the summit, the schedule of events, and handling of activities DO need work, Twitch is taking a step forward and trying to do the work to make things better.
Instead, a lot of that got drowned out by people wanting to be passive aggressive, crass, and bitter. It was stained by petty people wanting to sit and pout and others trying to force their ideologies onto me. I was sad a lot of Thursday and furious a good chunk of Saturday night.
After getting some sleep, however, a decent meal, and time with my boyfriend: I’ve concluded that I also don’t have time to Stay Mad™. I literally have a podcast to prepare (that looks like it may be getting pushed back), a job interview to prep for, research to do for my podcast and 3 jobs before April.
I’m gonna have to just let people stay Over There© and be angry with……whatever it is I angered them with. The week was a monumental success and I cannot wait to see what Twitch does next. Maybe it’ll be dope? Maybe it’ll be forgotten outright?
I don’t have those answers.
But what I do know is that I did my best, with what I had.
People will have to take that or leave it.
My eyes were opened to many things this Black History Month.
Like I said: I’m an observer. I’m going to continue to watch and learn.
And I will respond accordingly.
