Failure of Comprehension

Watching and Observing Nothing

I sit, as people I look up to, all the time make fun of me because ‘you always got something to say, you always tweeting, you always running your mouth, you always vocal’ who then go out and give accolades and praise to the same commentary said by white people, by men. I get told constantly by my peers that I’m ‘always talking about something’ with that kind of passive undertone that I’m doing too much. Told always to tone myself when literally their favorites are me*, but men, or white.

I contemplate this as election day is tomorrow, and I’m realizing I may need to just be gone for a week. A week where, without fail, I get messages asking and wondering ‘Vanessa, where are you? I got concerned I hadn’t heard from you’ while others-their own friends even-make ensuring I feel little for being concerned is their one of their closet pastimes. Things that I talk about yer round being impacted by the gravity of tomorrow’s decisions-unchecked and told to be silenced so that people can gather the day before and say ‘ok, NOW you should care about it!’

At this stage? Allies* are failures. Only accomplices need apply.
I literally wrote about this in February and little to nothing has changed.
Let me explain.

Some of y’all may already be like ‘oh this is about recent events’-and to be honest, it really isn’t. It’s about how, since February, I’ve had this nagging thought in the back of my head that simply speaking: allies ain’t shit. I’m just saying it plainly now.

Allies: because when black women speak on activism and needed change, you mock us for being keyboard warriors but then like and retweet that cute girl you ‘kick it with’ who says literally the exact same fucking thing, all the time. Guess it just hits different for some reason.

Allies: because having to sit in a single meeting about sensitivity training is ‘just so much’, but you immediately lambast us when we aren’t willing to host the meeting, and expect us to offer hours of free education, build our own platform, and have to literally sacrifice our bodies to get our foot in the door. The idea of making a SINGLE tweet that says ‘Black Lives Matter’ is cumbersome, the thought of having to adjust your methods by pivoting two inches is met with ‘are you sure?’-yet when it comes to me and mine the expectation is that we can and should always pivot 50 feet.

Allies: because you love to tell us IN PRIVATE how much you ‘get it’ but outwardly will never show us support of any magnitude because it’s bad for your brand. Gotta make sure you can still get that raid-don’t want to talk about SARS TOO much.

White allies: because y’all will insist you want to uplift POC voices, but refuse to even support a 95%+ Black-lead and funded show because ‘well, there’s one person there I specifically don’t like.’ So it’s all or nothing-but we can’t say the same about your favorite groups because it becomes ‘unfair.’

Straight allies: because y’all support LGBTQIAP+ rights, but you don’t know what the P is for so ‘the acronym is confusing’ and you gripe about how we shove our sexuality in your face but never consider how heteronormativity surrounds us constantly and we should be shamed into remaining invisible. I still have to ban people who think ace folx are just ‘seeking attention’.

Male allies: because you sit here and coo and fawn about how you agree, 100%, that non-men (especially black women) get treated poorly, unfairly, wrongly…..but when we call out Your Boy™, you fall off the grid, call us uncooperative, call us callous, tell us to know our place, say we’re out of pocket. Anyone else is fine, but the squad? Nah.

CIS MALE allies: because y’all don’t support us unless we give you tingly feelings in your dick. Y’all will actually look at us and deem us too ugly to boost. Too disabled. Too makeup free. But again: will gladly nod and agree behind closed doors. Gotta make sure it’s always eye candy or at baseline UwU cute on the timeline, since activism gotta be cute and appealing(and yes, we 100% notice this or else we wouldn’t have disabled people dragging you for FILTH when you find out disabled folx are indeed sexually active).

Even SO CALLED SKINFOLX: who one month of the year want to drag the entire timeline for filth and say any and everyone isn’t shit, but when one of their personal, cherry picked favs get called out, change that entire tune EXPEDITIOUSLY. Preachy and loud about what everyone around them needs to do but seldom if ever are cleaning up their own messes. Messes that are side effects of failing change.

Allies: because when you read this and catch feelings about it you’d rather lash out and unfollow than sit in that discomfort and ask yourself ‘why does this bother me? have I done this kind of shit?’

Allies: because it’s easier to just shame us into things like voting (and miss me with the attitude, that isn’t me saying don’t vote-you absolutely should) than it is to step back and ask why the system in place consistently doesn’t work. It’s easier to return to status quo than it is to demand better and no, I DON’T believe you when you say ‘we just need to be blue and push more left’-y’all ain’t do that last time, so why should I pretend you will this time? Yea, go vote, and then CONTINUE THE ENERGY after the vote.

I sit in summits, workshops, group meetings, team settings….watching as people who claim to be my brethren, my kinfolx, my allies, talk passively aggressive around me, make jokes of my activism, tell me I’m doing too much but they also love what I have to say. Tell me my voice is critical but when their friends are around that it is too loud. Have advice for everyone but never apply it to themselves.

You’re not allowed to point out their missteps, their issues, because everything they say and do always have the best of intentions, with the finest and most up to date, on point research: you are merely overreacting. I sit and listen as people laugh, say ‘it’s just jokes’ when they ridicule my activism, as others tell me I’m too lenient on entities like Twitch. The same people who seldom if ever want to uplift me when I do (and still am) shining. The same people who will faster report me than listen.

Nah, I’m done with allies.
I want accomplices.
Allies haven’t been doing anything but wearing us out, draining our energy, scolding us for going ‘too far out’, begging us to notice them, expecting us to take jabs about our activism and our fears of being shot on the regular, adhering to nasty and problematic ass tropes and stereotypes about our personalities and our bodies, and require us to center THEM and their discomfort first. Allies want you to tone down until it helps them or it’s something they can latch on to for boosting. Allies the main ones out here telling me I ‘do too much’ but then decided TODAY is when ‘they can no longer be silent.’ The day before everyone around me is spiraling into an anxiety driven disaster.

If your expectations of ‘allyship’ include me having to sit in discomfort so that you don’t have to hear about or think about the things that impact us, or in some cases YOU, then I don’t want it. If your expectations of allyship* require that in order for me to acknowledge what’s hard for YOU to deal with, I have to shelf ALL of my hardship, or ensure you get something out of it, I don’t want it.

I want accomplices.
I ain’t got time for allies*.
Not anymore. That was my fault for thinking I had time at all.

It may be just complaining, sure, but I feel like I shouldn’t have to feel bad for giving a fuck ON TOP OF allies failing me on a pretty regular basis. Especially when the source of that animosity is the very people who claim to support me.